One year later….

One year ago, today, my life changed forever.  At the time, I thought my life was over, my world shattered and my heart broke in a million pieces.  I have been through a lot in my life; being attacked by a Rottweiler at 16, being beat-up by an ex-boyfriend, having thousands of dollars and a vehicle stolen from me, among other disastrous things, but nothing prepares you to hear the words, “your child has cancer.”  I’m crying as I type these words.  NO ONE should EVER have to hear those words, especially when it’s your child, a baby nonetheless.

I will never forget the look on the doctors’ face when he told us, or the words that he said.  Looking back, it’s crazy how everything happened and as much as it sucks, and I’ve said this before, everything happens for a reason and our son chose us to be his parents for a reason.  There are way too many things and coincidences that have happened over this past year to make me believe otherwise.  Too many people have come in our lives for a reason and at just the right time.  It’s so surreal!

Never did I think that when I became a mom for the first time at the age of 40, becoming a cancer mom was part of the package.  I hate that word, and I hate that I am a cancer mom, but I LOVE my son. I will, and would do, anything for him to make him better, and provide him with the best opportunities in life.  So, with that said, as much as I hate that I am a cancer mom, I AM PROUD to be a cancer mom and I am even more proud to be LOGAN’S MOM!

The emotions and experiences that we have been through this past year are so unreal.  It’s like watching a movie of your life, in real time.  This isn’t supposed to happen, this isn’t real….but it is!  And the reality is, we aren’t promised tomorrow but you bet your ass, I am going to enjoy every moment with my son and fight until the day I die for him to survive and get the best damn care there is!  I half-jokingly say that our life would be a great reality show if it wasn’t for HIPPA!  😉

I don’t even know where to start or really what to write at this point as I feel I do share a lot and am very open with Logan’s story and his progress.  It’s not easy, AT ALL, but we do it, every day!  I am so glad that this year is behind us and am looking forward to saying that for many years to come.  I don’t wish my son to grow up fast, but I do wish for these times to be a distant memory.

Just because my son is technically cancer free right now and we are almost done with chemo, that doesn’t mean we don’t have a long road of healing ahead of us.  Logan had a piece of his brain removed where the tumor was.  Thankfully because of his age, he has the opportunity to overcome any delays or deficiencies but we have a lot or work to do!  He is getting physical therapy and occupational therapy, twice a week each.  His special education teacher starts next week and we will also be adding in music therapy, weekly.  We are so grateful for all the people in our life and the services that are available to us.  But it’s a constant struggle and battle at times to figure things out.  I think this is what bothers me the most, the developmental delays.  It’s like I’m mourning the loss of having a “normal” child.  The baby that all parents envision, walking, talking, crawling, eating, etc.  We don’t have that, that is what I mean when I say “normal.”  Logan hasn’t taken a bottle since he was 5 months old.  This hurts!  He is almost 16 months old and barely stands, he should be walking by now.  He’s never crawled, nonetheless had more than five minutes tummy time!

When someone would say to me, “I don’t know how you do it, you’re so strong.”  I use to respond by saying, “You would do it too if it were your kid.”  But the truth is, I don’t know if they would or if they could.  I think the fact that we waited until our 40’s and established in our careers really helped with our understanding and dealing with Logan’s diagnosis and in turn helped with his progress.  He is doing as well as he is because of who my husband and I are.  And I don’t say that to “toot” our own horns, I say that because we are positive people by nature and truly try to see the good in any situation.  We both have done so much good in our lives, giving back, donating time and money, helping others, etc.  That is why Logan is doing so well and we have such a strong support system…because we worked our asses off for it and damnit, we deserve it!

We have had the right people in our lives, at the right time, always, throughout this whole situation.  From the time I became pregnant until now….the people that have been put in our path have been there at the right time, every time!!!  Why…because we deserve it, Logan deserves it and it’s God’s plan!  He is here for a reason and we are NOT giving up….EVER!!!!

Yes, our situation sucks but me sitting around crying about it isn’t going to make it any better.  Do I allow myself moments…abso-fucking-lutely!  I have plenty of moments but what is that going to solve, where is that going to get me or my son.  My son is a fighter because his father and I are fighters.

I am now back to work full time, I have new agents that I am training along with managing my own accounts.  I started the Logan Strong Foundation to honor my son and help other children and families battling this awful disease as well as being a mom and a wife, it’s exhausting.  But it also drives me!  I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am without the people in my life.  You all know who you are and I love you all tremendously!

This isn’t my best blog post, but I think it’s the most honest.  Thank you for reading and letting me share this journey.  I honestly thought today was going to be harder than it was, last night was worse I think because of the anticipation of today.  I want to celebrate today, not mourn the day.  The fact that we made it a year is HUGE!!!!  Considering that we have been told numerous times that our son wasn’t going to survive and he continues to overcome and prove that he truly is our miracle baby!  I can’t wait to see the BIG things the future holds for this #tinysuperhero!!!!

I now have a mission in life… help raise childhood cancer awareness and help to provide support to others fighting this terrible disease!!





1 comment

Susan Schnitzler

Logan is blessed to have such amazing, strong and determined parents. Deep down we all can and will do anything for our children, it’s just most of us will never have to. You’re the exception. You know how much i love Logan, you and Kevin. Sending you all the hugs on the one year cancer-versary. ❤️

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