Today is a tough day for me, trying to stay busy and focused…. just got this message from GOD and it couldn’t be more fitting for today: Today, Jennifer, God wants you to know that it is time to finally forgive yourself. You’ve carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You’ve kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about.
So, today is Logan’s 4-year cancerversay, 4 years ago today our world was forever changed. I still remember the day he was diagnosed like it was yesterday. Hearing the words your child has tumor is scary, hearing that it was a malignant tumor was even scarier and honestly, it didn’t really click at first. How could my 3 ½ month old baby boy have a brain tumor? How is that even possible? The rest was just a blur….
I can remember after being in the hospital for a few weeks thinking to myself, “I can’t wait to be on the other side of this!” Meaning, Logan being healed and done with treatment. It’s crazy how it’s been four years already since he was diagnosed. There have been so many ups and downs, good news and bad news, waiting and rushing…. it’s insane.
When you wait until your 40 years old to have your first child, this was not the journey you expect. I’ve said it before and I will say it again. As much as our journey SUCKS, it was meant to happen. If wonder if I was 20 years old and this happened if I would have been able to handle it like I did……my gut says NO! If I was younger, I wouldn’t have had the experience or connections I had to get us through this. I am truly grateful that Logan chose me to be his mom, that he chose us to be his parents. We are the blessed ones to experience the miracle of this child and his determination and development!
Don’t get me wrong, this journey is HARD…. I mean really FUCKING HARD! I won’t sugar coat it…. I mean that’s why God made wine…right?!?! 😉
This journey has taught me patience, love, hope, faith, resilience; just to name a few. We would not have gotten this far without those things. We were told from day one our son wouldn’t survive (several times) and that was NEVER an option for us. The worst-case scenario was not in our vocabulary! We didn’t know any different but to fight…which Logan felt and knew that he had to fight too and he did and WON!
I’m struggling lately finding balance and time for everything. The days and weeks just blend together. Isn’t that what we are all experiencing!?!? I have so many goals; writing my book being #1, I can’t seem to find the time or focus. But I will figure it out, I always do! I realized one of the reasons I’m not truly focusing on my book is because of the fear of reliving all of those horrible memories…. wow, I’m tearing up just typing that! I’m excited though, I will be going away the end of the month with a business associate/friend and it’s my little retreat getaway with a lake view. My goal is to get my book outline done and the foundation of the book. So, I am writing this here so you all hold me accountable! If you are reading this, you have my permission to ask me the first week of April how it went! SERIOUSLY!
Logan’s development is EXPLODING right now and he is my #1 priority! I’m grateful to have the career I have that allows me the flexibility and freedom to be a mom first! I busted my ass for years to get where I am today in my career and I’m so happy I had that opportunity and it’s afforded me to be where I am today.
Several times the doctors said that Logan may not survive – he did!
Then they said he would never walk – he does (well, let’s face it, he runs)!
They also said that he would probably never talk – he is!
Talking, eating and potty training are our focuses right now and he WILL succeed!
Every worse case scenario we ever had thrown at us, Logan overcame and continues to overcome. I can’t tell you how AMAZING it feels to just know that your kid is going to be okay and face any challenge head on and overcome. Again, it’s hard, really f’n hard…. but he is truly a MIRACLE.
I want to leave you with this….I received this message just last week from one of our delivery nurses: ”There is not one video of Logan that does not remind me of the day he was born and your unbelievable dedication to the thought process of no matter what… he will be ok! He blew a gasket to meet you early!! Thank you for believing in him and adding to my amazing stories of miracles I have witnessed at AMC! Keep up the good work my friend!”
Oh and of course, he gets his first shiner on his 4-year cancerversary!
Thank you all for your continued prayers, love and support….keep it coming!!!