I cried myself to sleep last night……..

This year has been challenging so far, to say the least.  I haven’t worked a full week all year between traveling, Covid, and taking care of Logan.  I’m a mom first, yes, but I am also a professional, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a giver, etc.  We all wear so many hats!

But I cried myself to sleep last night for two primary reasons: (1) I found out yesterday that I did not win the top 4 for Aflac’s Agents of Care, and (2) I just wanted to cuddle my son last night and he was not having it, he kept grabbing at me and finally head-butted me in the chest.

I am extremely upset and disappointed that I did not win the top spot for Agents of Care in the Northeast Territory (out of 3 people) and not because of the trip to San Diego or the $10k but because I like winning…who doesn’t, but most importantly because childhood cancer is real and needs to be acknowledged and talked about.  I’m trying to remind myself that this is all part of my journey and that there is a greater plan in play and that is why I didn’t win.  I need to also remind myself that being recognized in the top 12 (in the country) is a HUGE accomplishment, not to mention the trip to Nashville and being able to attend FOCUS (Aflac’s annual sales kick-off meeting) for the first time.  I have been describing that experience as a bucket list item that I didn’t know was on my bucket list!  I also met some great people while I was there and was able to share my Aflac journey and Logan’s story.  And of course, I promoted the heck out of my book, I told everyone I met about it. 

I’m also going to take ownership of not promoting myself enough and sharing the contest with my fellow associates.  I did not put it out to the universe and believe that I was going to win.  I truly believe you get what you put out there and I didn’t put it out there enough.  Again, something bigger is coming!

Typing this out is helping me feel better.  I was texting with a friend this morning and told her that I don’t write or share enough.  And as open as I am with our journey, I really don’t share everything that I think or what’s going on out of fear.  Fear of how other’s will react, their opinions, or hurting someone’s feelings.  But I think that needs to change.  With my book being released in less than a month, it’s raw and it’s real…I need to start sharing more and maybe, as my friend suggested, this will help others.  Maybe that is my true calling, sharing our story, our struggles, the good, the bad and the ugly. 

Speaking of the good, the bad and the ugly…..I just wanted to cuddle my son last night but he wasn’t having it!  He tested positive for Covid this past Tuesday, had a fever, vomited a couple of times but was better within 48 hours. So did Kevin – luckily, he only had cold symptoms and was tired.  It’s so hard with Logan because he can’t tell us what’s wrong.  We all have our moments, want to be left alone, but Mama wanted snuggles…. more for me, not him! I kissed him goodnight and held back the tears until I walked up the stairs to bed and cried myself to sleep.  

Let me back up a bit about how this year has gone, which will explain why this all hit me last night.  After my trip to Nashville in mid-January, I got Covid and was out of commission for over a week.  Thankfully Logan and Kevin didn’t get it then.  After I was better, Logan had an intestinal bug and was home from school for three days.  Then the following week was our nanny’s last week.  We decided not to replace her because Logan needs consistency and having a revolving door of caregivers is not good for his development.   He will be going to daycare a few days a week, thanks to Aunt Kimmy, but other than that I will be handling after-school therapies, appointments, etc.  I also applied (and withdrew) for a new position with Aflac that I knew I would be good at but quickly realized it wouldn’t work with my personal responsibilities. 

I also realized during this time, I never wrote a 2020 recap blog post, which I normally write annually.  I have been so focused on my book and just surviving I haven’t taken any time for additional writing. 

So…this year has sucked so far but I get up every day and I try and I try and I try…that’s all I can do, that’s all anyone can do.

With that said….as we approach the release of my book, I promise myself to write more, to share more, and to not hold back!  For me and if it helps others, that is just a bonus!