WOW…feels strange to even type the title of this post….6 months post-treatment!!!!

I know it’s been a while since I have posted any sort of update.  We are just trying to survive.  Both my husband and I work full time, he plays hockey and I’m in Rotary and we have the Logan Strong Foundation as well….oh and we’re married!  Life is busy, hence why we have two nannies and working on a third.

I haven’t really cried yet today, I’m actually afraid to start because I know I won’t stop.  I am beyond anxious, nervous, scared, etc. right now waiting for Logan to come out of his MRI.  I’ve lost count as to how many MRI’s he’s had, I’ve lost count the number of times he’s been sedated but I will tell you that today is BY FAR the HARDEST.  He literally kicked and screamed the entire time we were in the pre-op room.  Logan’s developmental pediatrician, Dr. Lucas, warned us that the older he is getting the more aware he is of when he is at the doctor or hospital and is more likely to react accordingly.  He HATES it….poor kid has been poked and prodded more times than I care to even remember.

As I was typing the above earlier, the hearing specialist came out to give us the results of Logan’s test.  I am now home, with my gin & tonic, both boys are sleeping and now I’m playing catch up on today……..

I think I posted the same thing all day today about today being by far the hardest with anxiety over Logan’s scan.  It’s weird because I didn’t tell my husband how nervous I was and he didn’t tell me how nervous he was either.  We were trying to be strong for one another.  And when we got the good news that Logan’s scan looked great (all clear), I just broke down in tears.  Dr. Weintraub asked why I was so upset and my reasoning was that tomorrow (February 14 , 2019) is six months post treatment and I know some of the chemotherapies Logan received stay in your system for 6 months as I had asked her about that before.  Logan has also been a real “terdler” lately…moody, crying for no reason (or we don’t know why because he’s not talking yet), some regression in certain behaviors.  I’m not use to “normal,”  give me chemo, give me weeks at a time living in the hospital, give me an 8 hour surgery…that I can handle; toddlers, not so much!  When we got to the car, Kevin told him his stomach was in knots all day.  He was just as nervous as I was today! UGH!!!!

It totally sucks that my “normal” is living in the hospital and fighting for my son’s life.  I’m tearing up typing that (plus, I’ve had some gin!).  In all seriousness…who waits to get married later in life, waits to have their first child at 40 and signs up for this shit!  It fucking sucks.  I’m not going to sugar coat it.  I have days where I am beyond angry and hurt that these are the cards we were dealt.  But then I have other days, where I’m like, okay, we can do this…what’s next, we got this, etc.  I know in my heart of hearts that Logan was meant to be my (our) son.  I know that this whole situation was meant to happen.  I do not question that, I just don’t have to like it all the time.  So when I say today was the hardest I’ve had in a while waiting for the results of his scan, I mean it….and in typing this, I just got nauseous.  I do NOT wish this journey on anyone

One of the hardest parts of this journey is that not only was my son born with cancer but because of the cancer, he had to have a part of his brain removed which has now affected his development.  That’s a tough pill to swallow.  Yes, he is cancer and treatment free now but we have a whole different road ahead of us!  Yes, his developmental pediatrician has given us the green light and hope that he will catch up and develop normally but I want my “normal” baby now!  It makes me angry at times, sad at times, it sucks….but thank God my kid is cute! 😉

I can’t wait for Logan to grow up and have all of this behind us and share how strong and brave he was and share all that he has overcome!!!!

Scanxiety is real, knowing what the worst case scenario could be and was is the toughest pill to swallow.  I’m sure it will get easier over time but when your child doesn’t communicate, they are 6 months post treatment and being a “terdler”…that’s the trifecta of trifectas! I’m sure I am rambling at this point but I wanted to share how hard today was and how tough this journey is.  But I am GRATEFUL for every day, every moment because we have been through the worst and things can only get better.  So please keep praying for our baby to continue to be free of this disease, please pray for Logan’s development and  pray for his mommy and daddy!