So many mixed emotions about tomorrow. Having a child with cancer and going through continuous treatment is all I know. I will always worry if his tumor will come back. I will always worry if his development will ever catch up. I will always worry what my son’s life will be like in the future. Will there be more side effects from the treatment. Will he ever walk, will he ever talk, will he ever eat enough by mouth so we can get rid of the g-tube.
Getting my son through treatment is all I know. And I did it. We did it. Yes, I am excited for this next phase in his life (our lives) in which we can focus on his development. And yes, I wonder all those things but I am strong enough, my husband is strong enough and god damn it, Logan is strong enough to overcome all of these developmental delays. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have doubts or worries or fears. No one will ever understand the emotional roller-coaster of being a cancer mom and I hope none of you ever do. It’s not a cake walk, it’s not all sunshine and roses….it fucking sucks. But I’m not a quitter, neither is my husband and we all know that Logan isn’t either. But I really just can’t express all my emotions and thoughts right now.
It’s weird…you would think I would be ecstatic, my son is ringing the bell and getting his port removed tomorrow. This signifies the end of treatment. Then I feel guilty for all of our other friends that are still fighting. I feel guilty for some of our other friends that lost their babies to this disease. I am crying as I write this because I honestly don’t know how to feel right now.
My therapist warned me about this…. the emotional roller-coaster that was on the horizon when treatment is officially done.
I have so much to do tonight before tomorrow and to prepare for my work week, I had to stop and get this off my chest.
As I sit in my office typing this, my husband is in the other room with Logan playing, I love the sound of that. I am grateful that we get to experience that. Many cancer families don’t. Like I said, it’s part guilt, part fear, part excitement, part gratitude, and honestly, I sometimes wonder how we got so lucky to have our baby be the miracle. I know I shouldn’t question that but this has been such a long road and we have seen the good, the bad and the ugly. And yes, I know he deserves it, we deserve it, but again, the emotions I am feeling right now are so hard to put into words.
I am writing this in one shot, no edits, no going back and re-reading. I just need to get this out and share. I will be sure to update you all as our day progresses tomorrow. And I still need to write the blog post about GMA and Robin Roberts, don’t worry, I will.
Kevin, Logan and I will be on Spectrum News 9 tomorrow, interview with Jodee Kenney. Then I will be on Channel 10 Tuesday morning at 6:45 am and FOX 23 at 7:45 am, with Nicol Lally and the morning crew.
To all the families at clinic tomorrow, I pray that your child gets the same opportunity to ring the bell that Logan does. And I apologize in advance for the large entourage that will be there with us!
Thank you to everyone for your continues prayers, love, thoughts, etc.
This mama needs a glass of wine and bed….