This post comes with a disclaimer that there will be no filter. I have been feeling so many different emotions lately that I just need to get it out. So I will apologize in advance if I offend or upset anyone.
Three months ago today our lives were turned upside down. On one hand I can’t believe it’s already been three months but on the other hand I can’t believe it’s only been three months. I can say, that this is NOT what we at all expected when we were planning for a baby. But, I still believe, to this day, that this was meant to happen to us, that Logan chose us for a reason. Don’t get me wrong, this SUCKS like BIG TIME but it is what it is and you push forward. There are days, like yesterday, where I just stand in the shower and cry and beg for his pain to go away and to be healed. Then I pick myself back up and keep going.
This week and this round of chemo has been the toughest so far. My in-laws have been helping so much (so grateful) but they had to go back to North Carolina for the week. They have been here since Logan was first diagnosed. So, this week it’s pretty much my husband and I, my mom is helping and so is my dad. But not having my mother in law around is tough, she helped with laundry and meals. Plus, Kevin is back to work full time so it’s really just me for about 20 hours a day. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t be anywhere else…but it’s very tough! These 4 walls close in on you quick, there is only so much “extra-curricular” activities I can do. I sit next to Logan’s crib while he sleeps or he sleeps on me. I play with him, sit him up and move his arms and legs. He also has PT, OT and Speech Therapy almost daily as well as different doctors coming in at different times during the day. I can’t work (I’ve tried), it’s hard to read or listen to a book or focus on anything other than him. I’m typing this while Logan is sleeping and getting a blood transfusion.
I’ve never seen a baby dry heave or spit up bile before…it was awful. This round of chemo has been harsher on Logan for a couple of reasons. He’s coming off of two major brain surgeries AND this is the third round of poison he is getting. I have to say though that my kid is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G, he never screams or cries uncontrollably. He just fusses or moans to say he is uncomfortable…thank god he is calm natured like my husband. Don’t get me wrong though, he will tell you exactly like it is just like his mama!! 😉
Now here is where it gets real. When he was first diagnosed on March 8, my phone, text, FB, messages were blowing up…I was very overwhelmed, gratefully overwhelmed. But now, three months later, I’m lucky if I get one message (text, call or FB) a day. It’s like you are a celebrity in the beginning (right Michelle?!?!) then nothing. People you thought would be there for you aren’t and those that you never thought would be, are. Then there are those that either don’t say anything or say the wrong thing. There’s people that you give every opportunity to come visit but never show up then there are those that just show up at the worst times. No one could ever prepare for this situation, no matter what side of the coin you are on. I totally get that everyone else has their own lives and their own thing going on but when you are trapped within 4 walls for days on end with a sick child with only a quick treat of a Starbucks coffee once a day (if you’re lucky to get out)…..it gets hard, real fucking hard! I have totally lost ALL patience for minor things….like I am more of a bitch now than I ever have been.
I get people don’t want to bother me (us) at this point but even a quick text or message that says “Hey, I’m just thinking about you guys” or “you are in our prayers”. Saying and doing nothing I feel is worse. But with those quick messages, I can’t always respond, they are just nice to see! I guess there is no right or wrong on either end of these circumstances. It is what it is.
This situation really makes you appreciate what is important in life. I find joy in going home just to take a shower and get ready in my own bathroom. I enjoy driving down the road with my sunroof open on a nice day. Hell…I would enjoy walking barefoot in a thunderstorm right now! I am missing what every first time mother experiences…it fucking sucks! I am angry, I am bitter, I am hurt, I am upset but I am also exactly where I am meant to be. I love my son more than life itself and would do anything he needs to get better. I HATE that he is going through this but am grateful that he will never remember…boy, this kid is going to be spoiled for the rest of his life!
Thank you for letting me vent…this is actually not as harsh of a post as I thought it would have been. I’m having an okay day but if I would have wrote this last night, oh boy…the tone would have been way worse!
We truly appreciate the outpouring of love and prayers we have been receiving, that is really all we ask for. Thank you for allowing us to share our story with you.
Please continue to pray and share Logan’s journey to help raise Childhood Cancer Awareness.